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Grumpy Grandad Goes on Holiday

Grumpy Grandad and Crazy Grandma were getting ready to go on holiday. Crazy Grandma was busy packing up the suitcases and Grumpy Grandad was doing what Grumpy Grandad always did, yes, that’s right he was grumbling. “Don’t put anymore clothes into that suitcase” he shouted at Crazy Grandma “I won’t be able to lift it up” but Crazy Grandma didn’t take any notice. She had got used to Grumpy granddad always grumbling and knew he was going to grumble next about how far it was to the airport. And then he would grumble about how much the holiday was costing and then he would grumble about having to go to Spain because it was too hot and didn’t know what anyone was saying because they spoke a different language. And then he would grumble about the price of parking the car at the airport for the week, and on and on he grumbled. Crazy Grandma had heard it all before. Every year he grumbled about more and more things until there was nothing else he could possibly think to grumble about.

“Oh shut up and go and fetch your little bell from the bedroom” said Crazy Grandma “we can’t go on holiday without that”. “You crazy old woman” said Grumpy Grandad “I don’t need that, I don’t want you throwing cold water over me when I’m on holiday, I’m leaving it here”. And having said that he went outside to water his plants. Crazy Grandma began to feel very worried. She had been told by the doctor that it was very dangerous for Grumpy Grandad to get too angry because he could make himself ill and have to go into hospital. Crazy Grandma had come up with a plan to stop Grumpy Grandad from becoming too angry and that was to tie a little bell round his neck so that when he was really angry the bell would ring and Crazy Grandma could throw a bucket full of cold water over him to cool him down. Crazy Grandma went upstairs and found the little bell, then she went back down and packed it into the suitcase. “That’s it, all done” she said to herself, and fastened the lid down on the suitcase. Tomorrow they were off on their holidays. She’d got the passports and the tickets and everything was ready. She was really looking forward to the holiday and just hoped that Grumpy Grandad wouldn’t grumble too much and make himself ill.

The next morning Crazy Grandma got up bright and early, she was really excited about going on holiday. She drew back the curtains, but oh dear, what a shock she got. It had been snowing during the night and everything was covered in snow. The snow was so deep that the car, which was on the drive, was covered and just looked like a big mountain of snow in front of the house. She shouted to Grumpy Grandad to get up and clear the snow off the car. If they didn’t get to the airport on time they would miss the plane. When Grumpy Grandad got out of bed and saw that it had snowed, what do you think he did? Yes, that’s right, straight away he started to grumble. “It’s no good you grumbling, that’s not going to make any difference” said Crazy Grandma “come on, hurry up and get the snow off the car and clear the drive or we will miss the plane.

Grumpy Grandad went outside still grumbling. He put on his wellingtons and got his spade from out of the hut. He cleared the snow from off the car and dug the snow from the drive. Finally the snow was cleared and he shouted to Crazy Grandma to bring out the suitcases. As Grumpy Grandad stood waiting, he felt a drop of water land on his bald head. He looked up to see what it was and the next minute he was hit by all the snow falling from off the roof. He was knocked to the floor and all the snow fell on top of him. He was well and truly buried in the snow. Meanwhile, Crazy Grandma had come outside with the suitcases ready to put in the car and there was no sign of Grumpy Grandad anywhere. Wherever had he gone? She stood there looking round. Whatever could he be doing? Suddenly she saw a pile of snow begin to move and Grumpy Grandad’s bald head popped through. It made Crazy Grandma jump. Well, Grumpy Grandad was so angry his face was blood red and his head was steaming as the snow melted on top of it. He looked like a big red tomato about to explode. He was struggling to get out of the snow and shouted at Crazy Grandma to pull him out. But Crazy Grandma was worried he was getting too angry so she ran back inside the house and came running out with a bucket full of cold water and threw it all over Grumpy Grandad’s head. “What did you do that for you crazy old woman, don’t you think I’m wet enough” he shouted at Crazy Grandma. “Because you’re getting too angry and you’ll make yourself ill,” said Crazy Grandma. Poor Grumpy Grandad, what a start to his holiday. Here he was stuck in all the snow and Crazy Grandma had just thrown even more water over him to cool him down. She must be even crazier than he had thought. “Just pull me out,” he shouted angrily. Crazy Grandma got hold of his arms and pulled as hard as she could. She pulled and pulled and with one big mighty tug Grumpy Grandad finally emerged from the snow. He looked down. Crazy Grandma had pulled him out with such force that his Wellingtons and socks had come off and they were still buried under the snow. Crazy Grandma started to laugh. Grumpy Grandad looked so funny standing there in his big coat and trousers with his bare feet sticking out. “You go and get changed into some dry clothes and I’ll get them out from under the snow” Crazy Grandma told him. So off Grumpy Grandad went to get changed feeling even grumpier now that Crazy Grandma was laughing at him. Finally, they were ready to set off. They both felt happy they were going on holiday and leaving all the snow behind. Even Grumpy Grandad had stopped grumbling and was actually beginning to smile a bit, but little did they know, this was going to be a holiday they would never ever forget.

They had been travelling for quite some time and were beginning to get nearer to the airport. Grumpy Grandad started grumbling as usual about they’re not being enough signposts to show him the right way and he did what he always did every year, he took the wrong turning. He started to go back in the direction he had just come. “You’re going the wrong way” said Crazy Grandma “No I’m not, stop bothering me” said Grumpy Grandad. Crazy Grandma knew he was wrong, so she tried to tell him again. “It’s the wrong way, you’re going back home “

She told him. Grumpy Grandad started to get all hot and bothered again. “I can’t concentrate with you pestering me, leave me alone, I know what I’m doing”. So Crazy Grandma kept quiet and waited for the moment when Grumpy Grandad would suddenly realise she was right. Further and further back down the road they went, the airport getting further and further away.

Suddenly, he stopped the car, got out and jumped up and down with rage. “The signposts are wrong, they’ve sent us the wrong way, and we’ve got to turn back round again. What a rubbish airport, we’ll never fly from here again”. Crazy Grandma just smiled. She knew Grumpy Grandad would never admit he was wrong and he always blamed somebody else. Grumpy Grandad got back in the car and turned back in the right direction towards the airport again. This time he was very careful to take notice of the signposts and they finally parked up the car for the week and made their way towards the airport doors to check in their luggage. Crazy Grandma felt very relieved. “Thank goodness for that” she thought “surely nothing else can go wrong now”. But how wrong she was. There was going to be even more troubles to overcome.

Crazy Grandma and Grumpy Grandad made their way towards the check in desk. Crazy Grandma had got the passports and the tickets ready and handed them to the lady behind the desk. Everything was going fine until Grumpy Grandad picked up the suitcase to put on the scales to have it weighed. He started to grumble straight away because it felt so heavy and as he lifted it up the lid came open and all the clothes fell out. “You crazy old woman” he shouted at Crazy Grandma “why did you pack so many clothes, I told you not too”. Crazy Grandma hurried up to pick up all the clothes, she didn’t want everybody seeing Grumpy Grandad’s big underpants and Crazy Grandma’s big knickers. Grumpy Grandad was getting angrier and angrier, and when he saw the little bell laying on the floor that Crazy Grandma wanted to hang round his neck so she could hear the bell ringing if he got too angry, he began to tremble with rage. Well, he jumped on top of the little bell and broke it and then started kicking all the clothes about in his anger. As he kicked at the clothes, a pair of Grumpy Grandad’s big underpants went flying through the air and landed on top of a snooty ladies head that was waiting in the next queue. She wasn’t very pleased at all; they had messed up her smart hairdo. She took them off her head, held them up, looked at them in disgust and threw them back at Grumpy Grandad. Unfortunately, she didn’t throw them very straight and as they flew through the air, they knocked off the wig of a man who was waiting at the end of the queue to check in his luggage. He was a very big man who looked like a wrestler and had huge muscles. He looked really fierce. Crazy Grandma felt a little bit frightened of him and nervously ran over, picked up the wig and handed it back to the man. He certainly looked different without the curly ginger wig because underneath the wig he had a skinhead with a tattoo, which said ‘I love my Mum’, and everybody started laughing at him. He was really angry and snatched his wig back from Crazy Grandma, put it on his head and shook his fist at Grumpy Grandad who by now was causing a terrible scene.

Crazy Grandma knew she had to do something to calm him down. She reached in her bag and brought out a bottle of water, which she had been saving to take on the plane with her. She quickly threw the water all over him. Splash, the water hit him in the face and his glasses flew off. “You crazy old woman, why did you do that” he shouted. “Because you’re getting too angry and you’ll make yourself ill” said Crazy Grandma. She picked up his glasses and handed him a handkerchief to wipe his face. They hurriedly packed the clothes into the suitcase, fastened it up and weighed it in. It was well underweight and went into the van for taking onto the plane.

“Where’s my glasses gone?” Grumpy Grandad said “I don’t know, I put them in that trolley while you were wiping your face” said Crazy Grandma. “What trolley?” said Grumpy Grandad. Crazy Grandma looked round, the trolley had gone. Oh dear, wherever could Grumpy Grandad’s glasses be. She mustn’t let him get angry anymore. But it was too late. Grumpy Grandad could see the man who had collected all the trolleys up in the distance with lots of trolleys all stuck together. His glasses must be in one of them. Before Crazy Grandma could stop him he was running as fast as he could and shouting at the man to bring back his glasses. Everybody in the airport was watching and laughing. His clothes were wet through from Crazy Grandma throwing water over him and he could hardly see where he was going because he hadn’t got his glasses anymore. He kept bumping into everybody as he was running.

The man with the trolleys’ stopped. He didn’t know what all the fuss and commotion was about. “You’ve got my glasses” Grumpy Grandad shouted at him. “I haven’t seen your glasses,” said the man very surprised “what are you talking about”. Just then Crazy Grandma came running up. She could see Grumpy Grandad’s glasses stuck in the middle of all the trolleys. “I’m sorry” she said “but Grumpy Grandad’s glasses are between the trolleys, could you please get them out for us”. The man with the trolleys wasn’t very pleased at all and he started to grumble as well. But Crazy Grandma wasn’t bothered, she was used to Grumpy Grandad grumbling. All she wanted was to get Grumpy Grandad his glasses back, get on the plane and go on holiday. This was turning out to be one disaster after another.

She was worried now that Grumpy Grandad had broken his little bell that she always made him wear, that he might get too angry and have to go into hospital, so she really must try and keep him calm for the rest of the holiday. But as Crazy Grandma knew this was going to be very, very difficult. After much grumbling and pushing and tugging at the trolleys, Grumpy Grandad’s glasses were finally recovered. He put them on, but they were all bent and twisted and they kept slipping off Grumpy Grandad’s face. “Don’t worry” said Crazy Grandma, trying to keep him calm, “you can wear your sunglasses when we get to Spain but lets hurry up or we’ll miss the plane and not get there at all. Grumpy Grandad had calmed down now. He put his glasses in his pocket and together Crazy Grandma and Grumpy Grandad made their way towards the gate to get on the plane.

They climbed up the steps to the plane and found their seats. Crazy Grandma sat in the seat by the window and Grumpy Grandad sat in the seat next to her. The rest of the seats were filling up quickly and they would soon be on their way. Every seat was taken until there was just one seat empty. The one next to Grumpy Grandad. “We’ll soon be on our way,” said Crazy Grandma beginning to feel excited “there’s only that seat left next to you and then the plane is full. All of a sudden there was such a commotion as the big muscle man with the ginger wig on came rushing up the steps to get on the plane. He was so big he had trouble just getting down the aisle in the middle of the plane. He really needed two seats to sit on but there was only one seat left and that was the one next to Grumpy Grandad.

Well, the big muscle man tried to sit down in the seat but he just couldn’t fit in. He had to lift the arm of the seat between himself and Grumpy Grandad before he could sit down. Half of him was on his own seat and the other half of him was on top of Grumpy Grandad’s legs. Poor Grumpy Grandad. He was stuck in the middle between Crazy Grandma and the big muscle man. He certainly wasn’t going to have someone sitting on top of him all the way to Spain and straight away he started to grumble. He shouted at the big muscle man to get off him but it was no good the big muscle man couldn’t move, he was well and truly stuck in the seat. Grumpy Grandad tried to push him out, but he wasn’t strong enough and the big muscle man kept laughing at him. He was getting his own back now for having had his wig knocked off in the airport. Grumpy Grandad shouted to the Air Hostess “Find me another seat, I feel like a sardine squashed in here, this is how sardines must feel squashed in a tin”. But of course there were no more seats, so Grumpy Grandad couldn’t be moved.

He was getting angrier and angrier, shouting as loud as he could and Crazy Grandma was beginning to get worried again because she knew he might make himself ill. Everybody on the plane started shouting at Grumpy Grandad to shut up, they were all fed up of waiting for the plane to take off. But Grumpy Grandad wasn’t going to shut up. Nothing was going to make him shut up. He wasn’t going to be quiet until something was done about the big muscle man sitting next to him. Finally, the pilot, who had been waiting for everybody to settle down, came out of the cockpit. He was really stern and told Grumpy Grandad that if he didn’t stop making such a fuss he would have to be removed from the plane and miss his holiday. Grumpy Grandad began to calm down. He didn’t want to miss his holiday and he finally went to sleep.

But he hadn’t been asleep very long when he was suddenly woke up by the big muscle man who was sneezing and coughing. He was sneezing so much that Grumpy Grandad was getting wet through. The big muscle man couldn’t stop sneezing and every time he sneezed, poor Grumpy Grandad was sprayed in the face. Grumpy Grandad started to get angry again. He shouted to the Air Hostess. “Get this lunatic away from me, he’s spreading all his germs about, I want to be moved to a different seat. But the Air Hostess shook her head and said “I’m sorry Mr Grumpy but there’s no more seats, so you’ll just have to put up with it”. Grumpy Grandad got even angrier and started to go red in the face. “My name isn’t Mr Grumpy, you cheeky young madam, I want to see someone in authority”. The Air Hostess turned and walked down the plane and went into the cockpit. The co-pilot looked round as she entered. “I’m still having problems with that grumpy old man, he’s still complaining and he won’t shut up”.

The co-pilot got up and walked down the aisle of the plane. He could hear Grumpy Grandad shouting and stamping his feet. When he reached Grumpy Grandad the co-pilot wasn’t going to mess about anymore. He was fed up of all the complaints and decided to shut him up once and for all. “Look here, Mr Grumpy, we have all heard quite enough of your grumbling now and if we hear one more grumble, I shall strap this parachute to your back and out you’ll go, so shut up” and he growled fiercely at Grumpy Grandad. “You can’t do that, I know my rights,” shouted Grumpy Grandad. But all the other people on the plane who were fed up of hearing him complain, shouted “oh yes he can, and we’ll help him”. The co-pilot went back to the cockpit, shut the cockpit door and smiled. “That’s shut him up,” he thought to himself.

Grumpy Grandad went very quiet. The co-pilot had really frightened him with the threat of strapping a parachute to his back and putting him out of the plane. Crazy Grandma looked at him. “Thank goodness for that, we’ll perhaps get some peace now. Grumpy Grandad held a handkerchief over his face to stop him being sprayed by all the sneezing and after a while the big muscle man went to sleep.

Grumpy Grandad needed to go to the toilet but decided he had better wait until the big muscle man woke up because he couldn’t get past him. After a while the big muscle man woke up and tried to get out of his seat to go to the toilet. He shouted to the Air Hostess to come and help him out of the seat because he couldn’t get out on his own. The Air Hostess pulled and pulled and Grumpy Grandad pushed and pushed and finally the big muscle man emerged from the seat. This was Grumpy Grandad’s chance. He got up and followed the big muscle man down to the toilet. The big muscle man went into the toilet and Grumpy Grandad waited. He could see other people waiting to get in the toilet and was determined he would get in before them. He wasn’t waiting any longer. The big muscle man was in a long time and Grumpy Grandad was getting very angry again. Whatever was he doing in there all this time? He started to bang on the toilet door. “Hurry up, you’ve been in there long enough” Finally, the door came open and Grumpy Grandad ran in as fast as he could, so nobody else could get in before him. He shut the toilet door with such force that the door handle broke off and when he tried to get back out the door wouldn’t come open. “Let me out” he started shouting. But nobody took any notice. “Let me out, let me out”, and he started kicking at the door. But still nobody took any notice. Everybody was pleased he was shut up in the toilet out of the way.

After a while Crazy Grandma began to feel worried that Grumpy Grandad hadn’t come back to his seat and got up to look for him. As she got near to the toilet she could hear him shouting and kicking at the toilet door. She tried to open the door but without the handle on, it was impossible. She shouted to Grumpy Grandad that she would go and fetch the Air Hostess. The Air Hostess came and she tried but it was no good, she couldn’t open the door either. She shouted to Grumpy Grandad that he would just have to stay in the toilet until the plane landed and then they would send for a joiner to come and take the door off. Grumpy Grandad wasn’t pleased at all. He was beginning to feel sick because he was so hot and sweaty. He couldn’t even open a window. He had to cool down somehow, so he took off his shirt and trousers. But he was still too hot so he took off the rest of his clothes. He grumbled and grumbled until he had no more grumbles in him. He sat down on the floor and he began to fall to sleep. The next thing he knew was when the door of the toilet suddenly burst open and a joiner appeared with his bag of tools. He was really surprised to see Grumpy Grandad sitting without his clothes on and started to laugh at him. Grumpy Grandad quickly put them back on raced passed him, so glad to be let out of the toilet. The plane had now landed and they were in Spain. The terrible journey was finally over.

Everybody started hurrying up past Grumpy Grandad and Crazy Grandma to get off the plane and collect their suitcases. Grumpy Grandad was still feeling upset about being shut up in the toilet for such a long time, but when he saw the sun shining, he put on his sunglasses and started to feel happier again.

They collected their suitcases and Grumpy Grandad put them in a trolley, then they looked around to see which entrance to go through to get on the coach which was waiting to take them to their Hotel. “There it is” said Crazy Grandma. She could see all the other people with their suitcases going through the big double doors at the other side of the airport. “No, that’s not the way” said Grumpy Grandad “it’s down here” and before Crazy Grandma could stop him, he ran off with the suitcases in the trolley down the other way. Crazy Grandma ran after him, shouting to him to come back. She knew he was wrong but he just wouldn’t listen. “It’s down here, the coach is down here” he was shouting. Crazy Grandma knew the coach was waiting just through the double doors, she had seen everybody getting on it. “Come back, it’s up here” Crazy Grandma shouted “we’re going to miss the coach”. But it was no good. Grumpy Grandad was running as fast as he could. She could see his bald head glinting in the sunlight and his little legs going faster and faster down the hill with the suitcases. She just couldn’t stop him. She stood and watched as he went further and further down the hill leading into the car park underneath the airport. She decided to go and get on the coach herself. She knew that soon Grumpy Grandad would realise he was wrong again and have to push the trolley back up the hill and find the right entrance.

Crazy Grandma made her way back towards the coach, got on it and waited for Grumpy Grandad to come back. Meanwhile Grumpy Grandad was still running as fast as he could down the hill with the trolley. He still hadn’t realised that he was going the wrong way. As he got further down the hill, he stopped and looked back for Crazy Grandma. He couldn’t see her anywhere, and it suddenly began to dawn on him that there was nobody else about with suitcases either. Just him, all on his own. He took off his sunglasses and tried to read the signs, but they were all in Spanish and he couldn’t understand them. “Oh well, if I carry on, I’ll get to the coach anyway” he thought to himself and he carried on pushing the trolley further and further down the hill until he couldn’t go any further.

He went through two big doors which immediately closed behind him and he found himself in the underground car park. He looked around. What was he to do now. He tried to get back through the doors but they had locked behind him. Grumpy Grandad started to get angry. He banged on the doors and shouted. He could see a guard on the other side walking towards the door. The guard opened the door and asked to see Grumpy Grandad’s passport, but he hadn’t got it. Crazy Grandma had put it in her handbag. The guard shook his head and shut the door up again. Poor Grumpy Grandad, what a mess he was in. He couldn’t even go back the way he had come because without his passport the guard wouldn’t let him through the doors. He was getting angrier and angrier. He shouted to the guard again, but the guard just walked away. There was nothing he could do. He was at the bottom of the airport building in the car park and was going to miss the coach to the Hotel now.

As he stood there wondering what to do, he suddenly saw some people, park up their car and walk towards what looked like a lift. Yes, that’s what he could do, get the lift back up to the top of the building. He quickly followed them into the lift. He was lucky this time. The people on the lift were also going to get on a coach, so he knew he was going the right way. The lift came to a stop and the other people got out. Grumpy Grandad followed pushing the trolley as fast as he could. He felt sure that if he hurried up he might still be in time to get the coach, otherwise he would have to take a taxi to get to the Hotel. But, oh dear me, what do you think, just as Grumpy Grandad turned the corner to get on the coach, he saw the coach setting off. He ran down the side of it waving and shouting, but it was no good, he was too late and to make matters worse he could see Crazy Grandma sitting in the window waving to him.

Well, Grumpy Grandad went completely mad and started trembling with rage. He kicked over the trolley and jumped up and down on the suitcases. His face and head were as red as beetroot and he was getting angrier and angrier. Now normally, Crazy Grandma would have thrown a bucket full of cold water over him to cool him down, but of course she wasn’t there. Oh no, Crazy Grandma was sitting on the coach enjoying all the peace and quiet for a change without listening to Grumpy Grandad grumbling.

But luckily, or should I say unluckily, for Grumpy Grandad, two paramedics who were standing by the side of an ambulance had spotted Grumpy Grandad throwing a fit and thought he was having a heart attack. They raced over with a stretcher. One got hold of him and held his arms while the other one strapped him down to the stretcher and started giving him the kiss of life. Poor Grumpy Grandad. He tried to tell them he had only missed his coach and needed to get to the Hotel, but he was in Spain, and they didn’t understand what he was saying. Into the ambulance they carried him and raced him off at top speed to the hospital.

Meanwhile, Crazy Grandma had arrived at the Hotel and sat waiting for Grumpy Grandad to arrive by taxi with the suitcases, but, of course, unknown to Crazy Grandma, he was now in hospital. The doctors were most concerned about Grumpy Grandad and had put him in a room by himself while they did tests to find out what was wrong with him. Grumpy Grandad kept trying to tell them he was all right, but he was so angry he could hardly speak and nobody could understand him. The more he tried to make himself understood, the angrier he became and he made himself very ill indeed.

Crazy Grandma had been waiting for a long time now. She was beginning to wonder what could have happened that was taking Grumpy Grandad so long to arrive by taxi. She decided to ring the airport to find out if Grumpy Grandad was still there. When she was told that Grumpy Grandad was ill and had been admitted to hospital she rang for a taxi to go and fetch him. But, oh dear, when she arrived at the hospital she was told he had made himself so ill he would have to stay in for a few more days until he could control himself or he would become very ill again.

Crazy Grandma took the suitcases with her back to the hotel. She felt sorry for Grumpy Grandad but knew it was no good him leaving the hospital until he was well again. He had made himself so ill he couldn’t possibly leave the hospital to go on holiday. Crazy Grandma rang the hospital everyday to see if Grumpy Grandad was better, but everyday she was told he wasn’t well enough to leave. Crazy Grandma had a wonderful holiday. Sitting on the beach in the sun. Going for a swim in the sea. Reading her books and sipping a sangria. And best of all, no Grumpy Grandad grumbling. She had never had such a peaceful holiday.

On the very last day of the holiday, she was told that Grumpy Grandad was a lot better and was well enough to travel back home. Crazy Grandma packed her suitcase and set off from the Hotel to collect Grumpy Grandad. When she arrived at the hospital, Grumpy Grandad was sitting waiting for her. He wasn’t grumbling any more and looked really pleased to see her. The doctors had given him lots of injections and tablets to calm him down and together they made their way back to the airport for their journey home.

What a wonderful holiday it had been for Crazy Grandma, but poor Grumpy Grandad, he’d had a terrible time. He’d been stuck in hospital all week with doctors sticking needles in him and making him take horrible tablets. They both got on the plane and settled down in their seats ready for take off and this time Grumpy Grandad was as quiet as a mouse and didn’t grumble once. But somehow I don’t think he will stop grumbling for very long. What do you think?